Okay, I know. This has nothing to do with art or artwork or artists. Television is the bottom feeder of culture.

But like it or loathe it, television is here to stay and I admit it, I love television. Always have, always will. Working at the library, I always hear complaints by people that there is “nothing on” or “it’s the same old thing all the time on tv”. This is when I am done checking out their 15 copies of Danielle Steele novels or Julie Evanovich paperbacks.

I never have that problem. I can find something to watch on any channel and be entertained by it. I love old shows and new shows. I watch sports and house shows, comedies, movies, news programs, pretty much anything that I find interesting.

I really like tv theme songs. I know the actual words to Bonanza, Different Strokes, Facts of Life, Golden Girls, etc. In fact I drown out my students that talking in class when I sing tv songs. That is my tip for all teachers. Learn the words to Gilligan’s Island. It will totally quiet your class. In a good way.

I originally thought that I could copy the location of all these songs and then you could click on each one to actually hear them. But I am not computer savvy and so you will have for the most part look them up on this website: televisiontunes.com, think of it as multi-tasking or do it during your lunch break.

Now I promised you terrible theme songs and here are some that are groan inducing. I hope this works.

Here is one that I have never heard of and is just beyond words…. Gadget and the Gadgetinas
http://www.televisiontunes.com/Gadge…-_Opening.html

Now I shouldn’t put this on because I have no idea what they are singing about and I have a foggier idea what language it is…any guesses?
But this is similar to the Gadget one except I have no idea what it all means and it just keeps going and going… Tabaluga
http://www.televisiontunes.com/Tabaluga.html

This one would make Eddie Money roll over in his grave, except that he aint dead yet. After hearing this he might reconsider as I am contemplating plucking my ears out after hearing this.

Why do people want to remake songs that are good enough already without adding technobeats and crap…well here is an example….Paradise Hotel
http://www.televisiontunes.com/Paradise_Hotel.html

Now I can imagine what the producers were saying when they wanted a composer for this theme…“We want a full orchestra and lots of themes and fantasy oh yeah and make it sound like Indiana Jones too and make it short…like about 17 seconds…no? okay 16 but that is how far I will let it go!” ABC Kids Matinee
http://www.televisiontunes.com/ABC_K…nee_(The).html

You know what I miss in songs? Not enough of that instrument that Snoopy played in “Race for your Life, Charlie Brown”. It is actually called a Jaw Harp or Jews Harp. But nonetheless here is another song that takes full advantage of the musical skill that is sticking a metal donut in your mouth and biting and snapping a middle wire in syncopated rhythm. Oakie Doke
http://www.televisiontunes.com/Oakie_Doke.html

I dare anyone to have this theme played while you eat cereal. You have to look menacing and dart your eyes. And make sure you protect your cereal bowl! It really is a good theme song but it kind of loses its edge if you are sitting in your pajamas eating Fiber One. Echo Four-Two
http://www.televisiontunes.com/Echo_Four-Two.html

No explanation necessary….the sad thing is I remember this show and I used to watch it, but I was 5 and wearing Donald Duck pajamas at the time. Jabber Jaw
http://www.televisiontunes.com/Jabberjaw.html

What the ....?

“There aint no nothing we can’t love each other through?” Isn’t that like 4 negatives in one sentence? Plus what is with all this Sha-la-la-laaaaaaa crap? For those that asked for more… I give you the extended version. Family Ties
http://www.televisiontunes.com/Family_Ties.html

Another conversation from a tv composer of theme songs.
“Hey! Mr. Whiskers get off of my synthesizer! Get off! You’re sleeping on the keys and getting hair stuck in between…oh..man…Don’t growl at me..OW! You dumb cat! Stupid cat who thinks he is a werewolf! Stop howling at the streetlight! It is not a moon…hey wait a minute this could be a great tv them song.” Werewolf

Coulda woulda shoulda…I didn’t
http://www.televisiontunes.com/Werewolf.html

Granted these are just a few bad them songs and I hope there are more better theme songs then worse ones. Mike Post wrote some great theme songs and the old op shows had some great instrumentals. But for every Barney Miller http://www.televisiontunes.com/Barney_Miller.html or The Streets of San Francisco http://www.televisiontunes.com/Streets_Of_San_Francisco.html there is a Fish Police http://www.televisiontunes.com/Fish_Police.html or the Banana Splits http://www.televisiontunes.com/Banana_Splits.html. A Ying to the Yang.

So if you know of any theme songs that just make you want to hurl either physically yourself or the tv set, just send the suggestion to me.

I would also like to thank TVThemeMusic.com for compiling pretty much a HUGE collection of theme songs. For the most part they are awesome!

So take some time and listen to some great theme songs.

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